“I never wanted to be a father”

Pete Ansell from Potentialism reflects on 15 years of fatherhood:

On our first date I told my wife that I never wanted children. So we decided to just “have fun” for a little while before going our separate ways. A few months on we realised contraception had failed us. Luckily fifteen years and two daughters later we are still having fun.

The joy of watching something you’ve created unfold in front of you is pretty epic. If I hadn’t had children I think I would have denied myself the biggest gift of my life and the opportunity to know what unconditional love is.

My father was a narcissist. He pretty much taught me toxic masculinity - power manipulation, strength over rather than strength within. Perhaps he is part of the reason I didn’t want to be a father myself. I have had to do a lot of thinking around what kind of father I want to be for my daughters. Mindful masculinity for me means being present, heart-centred, nobel, sincere, and being authentic. 

I got sober in LA 20 years ago. The 12 step program really helped me get there. And the reasons I haven’t drunk or taken drugs since are discipline and commitment. Commitment is a big value of mine and something I want my children to see the importance of. I’ll tell my daughters that alcohol might feel like it's your best friend but in reality it’s not.

I once overheard my client ask his wife if she wanted a private island or a Picasso for her next birthday. I used to be a private chef all over the world for the type of people who discuss things like this over dinner the way you or I might discuss our weekend plans. These days I occasionally still do crazy dinner parties, but my main focus is coaching. Working for the megarich taught me that underneath we are all the same and have the same struggles. We are all humans on a life journey.

I spent 3 weeks in the Andes doing plant medicine. In this time I realised I needed to accept myself as I was. I think self acceptance is one of the keys to happiness. When I came home I quit my food production business and started working with people to coach them on finding and stepping their potential.

Being honest is a big part of what it means for me to be a man. I am a huge fan of integrity and authenticity. I think it is super important to keep showing up again, and again, and again. Honestly I do this for my children, even though sometimes it might be difficult and I get triggered and I want to run into the hills screaming pulling my hair out. Parenting can do this to you.

I have taken a daily ice bath for five years. It has helped support my discipline of, and commitment to, showing up for myself. It builds resilience, and shows me that I can do hard things. It helps me to stay present both as a father and a partner (and not run into the hills screaming pulling my hair out).

My partner and I create deliberate space for deeper conversations. I think it’s important to take time to connect as a couple, to remove yourself from the identities of being “mummy and daddy”. When our girls were younger these would be in the evenings when they went to bed, these days it’s over lunch when they are at school.

Feelings aren’t to be feared. When I stopped drinking and taking drugs all my feelings surfaced. A 12 step program helped. Australian culture seems to promote the ‘yeah mate, I am okay’ attitude of holding emotions in rather than allowing them to come through. I help my clients to hold themselves when their feelings surface.

My clients started calling me a wizard. Perhaps it’s the beard, perhaps it’s the magic that’s created when we work together. There is a sort of alchemy in my work. I don’t magically do anything, I don’t give my clients answers, instead I ask the right questions, and hold space and that helps them work it out for themselves. Then they feel the magic.

Fatherhood doesn’t last forever. As your children get older you realise that they are going to leave home, you think they are going to be kids forever, truth is they aren’t, and the time with them has been a gift. I know there are times you want to just run away and leave it all behind. My father ran before I was born. He missed my life. I will never run and am fully committed to be there for my children every single day.

Pete Ansell provides safe supportive space for humans to feel, grow, and thrive. If you want to know what he does the best way is to experience it. He offers half, and full day immersions for you to take some time for yourself, and coaching packages. For more information find him at www.potentialism.com.au